How do you cope with the pain of losing a much-wanted baby, especially when the people around you don’t always seem to know what to say? If you’re in this situation, you’re not on your own, there are many couples out there suffering with the pain of losing a baby. I know how this feels as it’s happened to me and my husband – we have never experienced emotional pain like it.
Coping with the aftermath of losing a baby
When you lose a baby there is a physical and emotional aftermath. Some women have to go through labour knowing their baby has died, some women’s milk will come in and they may be bleeding for weeks, all of which is painful and uncomfortable. The emotional scars take much longer to heal, however. Whatever stage you lose your baby at, the loss of a much-wanted pregnancy is catastrophic.
I have never felt such raging grief as when we lost our baby, it was very hard to cope and I felt like I was on the edge of collapsing.
Looking back I don’t know how I carried on, my emotions would swing and I felt alienated from most people. This raw pain went on for months, gradually the grief ebbed and flowed and I started to have more good days than bad. We were offered counselling by the hospital and this really helped us to come to terms with our situation and communicate about how we were feeling.
Baby loss as a taboo
Baby loss is a taboo subject – across all cultures and races – many people don’t like to talk about it and can appear dismissive and insensitive. What people don’t always realise is that to you, however far along you were, your baby was a very real person who you had hopes and dreams for.
When we lost our baby we were fortunate to have a lot of support, also my husband really looked after me and supported me, even when he was finding things difficult himself. But we were also stunned by the insensitive things some people said and by the people who ignored our loss.
This stigma adds layers of anger to the shock and grief you are already experiencing and can make you feel alienated and lonely as a couple. It can be hard to find an outlet for these complex emotions. This is when counselling, online forums or support groups can really help, so make sure to take advantage of any support you can.
Men and baby loss
The two sexes tend to grieve the loss of a baby differently. Men often find it easier to be practical and supportive; they may feel that they have to be the strong one as they have not only lost a baby but are watching their partner suffer physically and emotionally.
This can sometimes make the woman feel like the man is less upset than her. The woman has carried the baby, gone through the morning sickness and the physical aspects of the loss which means their experience is different to the man’s.
It is important to remember that the man has also lost his child, even though he may express his grief differently – a very important thing we learned is to keep talking about how you both feel.
Anniversaries
Anniversaries are difficult, especially your due date and the dates of your baby’s loss and funeral. Special times like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Christmas can also trigger off your grief. We always plan something for a special date, whether that’s lighting a candle, visiting the baby garden where our baby’s ashes were scattered or hanging a bauble with his name on our Christmas tree.
Give yourself time
It will take a long time to come to terms with your loss. The pain will never go away but in time you will learn to live alongside the loss of your baby. Try to accept help and support and keep talking about how you are feeling. Remind yourself how well you are doing – it will take a long time to mourn your child. Many people call life after baby loss ‘the new normal’.
For friends and family:If a loved one has lost a baby, you may not know what to say. You could start by:
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Support
Tommys
SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death charity)
Miscarriage Association
Arc (Antenatal Results and Choices
Source: Coping with losing a baby
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